Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Been really wanting to write lately.  No time.  Not time for anything really. On top of this I'm struggling with extreme fatigue all the time.  I'm fine while on the clock at work but all other times I'm just exhausted.  I don't know if it's a phase or not but the times that I get burst of energy and feel great all day are less and less.  I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling that great well rested feeling.  Makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong.  It's just discouraging.
Really wish I could stop working.  I can't.  We decided I'd go back to work before the economy got really tough and now there really is no option.  Especially since we got a van so that we would have a vehicle and now my job pays for that payment.  Add to that paying off debt and I'm really in this for a while.  I just miss the days I could stay home and clean and cook for the family.  When my hours dropped at the CPA I took back a Saturday at the Diner.  I've grown to hate that so much. I really need that day back with my kids. We need the extra cash though.
With that, the kids are in upper grades, especially the girls and they are busy with homework or just needing to rest most of the evening too.  I feel like we are all so tired all the time.  I feel the world is moving to fast these days.  It never seems to slow down at all.
This last weekend I flat out stayed away a lot to avoid dealing with the house and the teenage attitudes which have been thick lately. Gearing up with having to sit down and talk about that.  It's so exhausting.  I've noticed that teens go through these roller coasters of behavior.  They sometimes finally seem to "get" some things and come up revealing some maturity and some insight on their lives.  Then, we dive back down.  We are down right now and it's so low I can hardly stand it.  With my own energy being so low my focus and tolerance are practically non-existent.  So, knowing I had no energy for it or the house falling apart, we had a few functions to go to Sat and Sun and went.  The depressing point is that the stuff is still there when you get back and you are even less ready to deal with it.
I don't know how some women do it.  Those who work full time.  I'm just working part time.  I look at some women who are great mom's and work full time and I really don't think I could manage.  When do you get groceries?  I worked longer days on Fri and Mon to make up some time I lost when Emma was sick. I needed to get some groceries and I kept thinking "when?".  I have kids that all ready get home a little before Rick and I do.  I don't like leaving my kids at home any more than I have to on weeknights.  They need us there to manage their homework and healthy eating let along time as a family. I suppose those women have Saturday and Sunday off and do everything then.  With us both working Saturdays there are times when we don't make it to church on Sunday (averaging once a month now) just to have a day to recoup and be together.
I can hear the response from home school mom's, I would have had it myself. Homeschooling takes care of many of these problems, it really does.  The trouble is, it adds others for me that are overwhelming.  As the kids get older, I know they need to learn how to manage their time and be ready for the demanding schedule of life and study.  My mom worked part time when I was home schooled in my older grades and I would not do that to my kids.  I was left with my list of what to do while she was gone and I was so bored and lonely.  I don't want that for them and I have to work.  Even if I were able to quit, they each have individual reasons why school out of the home is better for them.
My conclusion is that the world is just moving too fast, and the demand is too great.  The demand for education is heavy on my kids, and the demand for money is heavy on our pocketbooks.  It's no wonder people of this day and age are starting to have more and more mental problems, we are just way over pushing ourselves.  Add to that the drama of running a house and raising kids and you have some real struggling going on.  I though toddlers were tough, emotional little women is just as tough.  I use to say I was looking forward to when I could reason with them but it would seem that the teen years is no cure for this.  You start to do all this wondering if you will make it through and if they will.
All I can think of right now is that I have to slow down when I need to and do it without guilt. I'm going to have to train myself to not have guilt when I can't get it all done or make it to every function.  Right now all we do is church, youth groups and I do a bible study.  Not making those makes me feel guilty at times especially when the impression is given that you are not prioritizing if you miss.  I don't know if that is a true impression or if it's just what I'm imagining it to be.  I don't think some people who have younger kids and simpler lives realize the schedule demands on a family in our place of life.
The other thing I do is look for that light at the end of the tunnel.  I cannot wait for Aug 1st. That will be "D" day for our family.  We will both stop working on Saturdays and it's coming just in time. In fact, I can't help but think that God moved this action by the Post Office JUST for our family lol.  I will loose a little money but we will be having two days off together.  We need this so badly to be able to keep up better and connect more.  I almost feel as if I'm holding my breath for that to get here as fast as it can.