I am convinced that I walk around oblivious to God's love for me. I've been frustrated lately that my mind is like stone sometimes. I feel numb, busy, distracted, and I hate that. My mind falls into traps of emotional responses to people and over dissections of what they do or say. This is a downward spiraling of doubt and frustration with myself ending with a state of great frustration on many levels from the simple to the complex. From what I think to what I can't seem to get done.
I need my heart to explode. I'm reminded that I'm indeed NOT oblivious to God's love. That is not possible as the Holy Spirit is alive in me and making that known to me. I do think that my physical brain forgets. I also think I have a hard time wrapping my head around God's love for me. The reason I know that I'm struggling in this area are because of the results in my behaviors and thoughts.
I truly believe that all responses to God, true responses (not responses to save our own skin, or responses of fear of flames), are grounded on capturing truths of His love for us. I believe that when given the understanding (though this sounds complete and whole it's actually an on going understanding process that comes and goes) of God's love would compel a person to respond to Him fully. It would compel such amazing acts of genuine faith and sacrifice, it would change anyone.
My problem is, the lingo doesn't work for me anymore. The "Jesus loves me" phase is shallow. I know that God's love is so massive and deep and I know it's far beyond the phrases of a Sunday school song, that I am overwhelmed as to how to "get it". I'm lost as to how my brain can contain such greatness. I know that "getting it" would change me in every way. I just feel lost to absorb it.
Sometimes, as a believer, we are encouraged to start our day praying God's will for the day. This is rightly so. I feel so done with that though! It's just not feeling like enough. I feel like I'm not getting it. I feel like I'm not understanding something that I've known the lingo on for years. I know the facts, I am overwhelmed to absorb their meaning and application. For truly, if I got this whole thing better, it would show more. I feel if I "got" God's love for me, I would hardly have to ask his will for the day! It would be a passionate response, it would be breathing! Beyond the things I've always known (wrapped up in a sometimes twisted mess of human understanding, prone to prideful tainting and mens interpretations), is a REALITY. I'm a realist, I seek that reality, I long for it.
In my mind, I am not a Christian for the sake of choosing a religion. I am not one for the fear of saving my skin. I'm not one for a formula of rules that make me look good or make my life appear so swell. I am one because the reality around me presses me to be so. I am one because the God has opened my eyes to this reality. Once it's seen, there is no going back. My problem is I can't seem to focus my eyes to see it clearly. Perhaps it's me, that I'm not concentrating. Perhaps it's just my finite mind, taking it all in from the vantage point of a kid on a merry go round, I don't know. I do know that it's simplified my desire and my prayer.
Forget the religious mumbo jumbo I would say in a morning to have a great "christian day". Screw that... LORD....
Help me GET IT.
Just that.
For I know, it's the one thing you helped me do from moment one, and it's what you can do to change every fiber of my humanity. I don't want to be a good religious person, I want YOU. I want to GET YOU. I want to GET your love for me. I don't want to miss out.
For in every little moment I get you, I feel my heart explode. I can't help but worship you. I can't help but hurt for the lost, to cry for the hurting, to feel compassion for those in darkness. I can't help but want to love them. I can't help but marvel at everything reflecting you. It's a phase of euphoria my mind really can't seem to contain for too long. I sure wish I could maintain it. I wish I could ...
GET IT...and stay GETTING IT....
I sometimes long for that "faith like a child." You know, before the complicated things like predestination vs free will. To just want to go and sit with Jesus like the children in the Bible, and have that be enough. I totally get what you're saying.
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